Anni’s story

"Michael and I had been married for thirteen years and had a daughter, Beth, who was eight when he said he was leaving. Then he announced he had begun a new relationship with someone at his work. He told me there had been many other affairs throughout our marriage.

The certainties of your life – past, present and future - just disintegrate. But in the middle of the chaos, you have to hold everything together. I had a daughter and a job and I didn't want either to suffer. Michael was as determined as I was to protect Beth from the painful emotions that come with the end of a marriage and, despite an angry divorce, we did manage to achieve this.

I started the divorce proceedings, on the basis of Michael’s adultery. The divorce was finalised ten months after he left, but the financial settlement took another six months. I now wish that we had resolved things more quickly, but at the time it was hard to think clearly. Our financial circumstances were complicated and I was clinging to the idea that the court would punish Michael for his adultery. But in the end, you realise that the money side of divorce only deals with money; the question of right and wrong just doesn't come into it.

We didn't go for mediation to decide the financial issues. I felt I needed a solicitor as I was still very upset. But we did go to mediation to sort out contact arrangements – we were determined to keep Beth away from the family courts. The mediator was great. She managed the situation so that we were both able to be frank, but neither of us felt under attack. We came to an agreement by making Beth’s wishes the most important thing.

Beth has lots of contact with her father and quality time at home, and we try to keep the arrangements flexible. These arrangements continue to work and Beth has coped with the divorce. Maybe she’s had to learn some life-lessons early.

It's now three years since Michael left. Life is very different. Only when the legal stuff is done and dusted can you begin to move on. You have to let go of the past. This doesn’t mean you need to become friends, Michael and I have little contact with each other - we use email or texts to make arrangements for Beth.

Once life calms down, you have an opportunity to develop new interests. Relationships with friends and family are rediscovered and deepen. I am optimistic about the future. I think what I have now is better than living a life with someone who does not care for me."