Moving on – there is life after divorce
You’ll find it easier as a couple if you can each recognise what you’re going through. Most people go through a normal pattern of reaction to a big upheaval in their lives.
You want out
If you have already come to the decision that your relationship is over, you may have already be starting to come back up from the really dark times. But your partner may not have got there yet. Your decision may come as a shock and sent them right into fear, grief, and anger
You may need to wait for them to catch up. You may need to be patient.
At the same time you may have to cope with your possible feelings of guilt, or being blamed for having brought the situation to a head.
It’s a joint decision
If you’ve both got to the point where you feel it would be best to end your relationship, it may be a bit easier, but the change may affect you both differently and you may adjust to change at different speeds. You may have different priorities.
You need to be patient with each other and acknowledge what you are both going through.
"I learned to block the endless replays of past events in my head. Remembering the bad things just chained me to the unhappy times. You have to police your thoughts. It is difficult to do at first, but it comes with practice and it is a great technique to help you move on.”
Even if it is a joint decision to end it, one of you will have to be the petitioner – the person who asks the court for the divorce. You can’t, as the law stands, ask jointly. If you want an immediate divorce one of you is going to have to (on paper) ‘take the blame’. This will feel unfair.
Your partner wants to end it
This is probably the hardest position to be in because you have to deal with a situation that you did not want. It may have come as a shock.
You are bound to be very bitter, and to feel scared by the whole prospect. Being out of control makes it all seem worse.
It’s important that you don’t let these feelings spoil you as a person. You will come back up out of the really dreadful times. Try to think about the future, and what you would like to achieve.
Do you have a will?
Once you have decided on a separation or divorce you ought to think about making a will, or changing your existing one. If you die without making a will before the divorce is finalised, your partner will be entitled to a large part of your estate (the property that you leave). This might not be what you want to happen. If you have children, you also need to think about providing for them and who you want to take care of them if they are under 18.
Community Legal Advice publish a helpful leaflet called 'Wills and probate'. See links to other websites.
