Paul's story

Mel and I split up after we'd been married for 8 years. We had two boys and a baby girl together.
It’s hard to say what went wrong, but we both said some unforgivable things. It seemed obvious that I would have to move out. I wasn’t going to take the kids away from Mel. But I didn’t want them to think I was just walking out on them.

Problems started when I got my own place and wanted to have the boys staying at weekends. In the end I thought the only thing was to take Mel to court and get shared residence.

The solicitor was really good. He pointed out that court was usually a last resort and suggested that we could try mediation first. He said it was cheaper and we might get an agreement that suited us better.

I wasn’t very happy about this. I suppose I didn’t know what to expect. There were quite a lot of tears and shouting the first time, but the mediator was really sensible and practical. It did help us think about the kids, and what they needed.

We sorted out weekend contact with the boys and I got to see them in the week too. And then I got Mel to agree to the baby coming, once she was sure I could cope.It all worked like that for about a year, but then we began to hit problems.…

One year later…

It all got a bit tricky when I got a new girlfriend, Ellie. We were thinking about moving in together and getting somewhere bigger. That upset Mel I think, and there were basically some nasty texts about Ellie and my priorities.

Up to now we hadn’t had a court order, because it was all agreed. But I began to think I needed it all on paper so that I could make Mel keep to it. I went back to my solicitor and said that this time I really was going to court.

We got as far as the first hearing, and the judge got us to go back to mediation. My solicitor had explained that this might happen, because the judge will only make a court order as a last resort.

It was a bit more difficult this time because of Ellie. I think Mel was jealous. But neither of us wanted to end up in court - the first hearing had been bad enough - so we gave mediation another go.

It was a bit awkward at first, but it got better. Now Ellie and Mel are able to talk to each other about the children. It takes time. I think when you first get into this sort of situation, you want it all sorted out instantly and life doesn’t work like that.

Now, I would say we’re pretty well sorted. It’s got easier as the kids have got bigger. Ellie and I are getting married in the summer and Rose is going to be her bridesmaid and Mel’s fine about it.

June 2011