Paul's story

Mel and I split up after we'd been married for 8 years. We had two boys and a baby girl together.
It’s hard to say what went wrong, but we both said some unforgivable things. It seemed obvious that I would have to move out. I wasn’t going to take the kids away from Mel. But I didn’t want the kids to think I was just walking out on them.

At first, I was just sleeping on a friend’s floor so I came and took them out at weekends. After three months I got my own flat, and I said to Mel that I wanted them to come and stay over. That’s when it all started to get nasty. She said that when we’d been together I hadn’t done much with them, and now I wanted them for all the fun times and she was stuck at home with the baby.

We got really angry with each other, and Mel’s mother tried to stick her oar in which didn’t help. I wanted to show the kids that I really did love them, whatever she said. So I went to my solicitor and said that I wanted to take Mel to court and get shared residence.

The solicitor was really good. He pointed out that court was usually a last resort, and that we should really try to work something out ourselves, which would be better for the kids. Going to court would probably take ages, and would cost quite a lot as well. So he suggested that we could try mediation first.

I wasn’t very happy about this – I thought it would be one of those do-gooding types telling Mel and me what to do. But it wasn’t. It was a good bloke who helped us sort things out for ourselves. There were quite a lot of tears and shouting the first time, but we cleared the air a bit. It did help us think about the kids, and what they needed.

We agreed that every other weekend the boys would come to me after school on Friday until Monday morning. And I would take them swimming during the week and to football on Saturday afternoons. Mel quite liked the arrangement as it gave her a break to be with the baby, Rose. But I wanted to see Rose too. I didn’t want her to feel that I didn’t care about her. Mel was a bit anxious about this – I think she thought that I wouldn’t be able to cope. So I got her to write out a list of everything I would need to do. At first I had Rose just on Sundays, and then for the whole weekend.

It all worked like that for about a year, but then we began to hit problems.…

One year later…

It all got a bit tricky when I got a new girlfriend, Ellie. We were thinking about moving in together and getting somewhere bigger. At first I kept her away from the kids, because I wasn’t sure how they would feel, or what Mel would do. When I did decide they should meet I didn’t spring it on them – I told Mel that Ellie was going to come to the match with us. It was okay for a few weeks and then I got Mel on the phone saying that Curtis, the eldest, didn’t want to come for the weekend. And there were basically a lot of snide remarks about Ellie and my priorities.

Up to now we hadn’t had a court order, because it was all agreed. But I began to think I needed it all on paper so that I could make Mel keep to it. I went back to my solicitor and said that this time I really was going to court.

We got as far as the first hearing, and the judge got us to go back to mediation. My solicitor had explained that this might happen, because the judge will only make a court order as a last resort.

It was a bit more difficult this time because of Ellie. I think Mel was jealous. Maybe she thought the boys would like her more. And she didn’t want us sleeping together when the boys were in the house. But neither of us wanted to end up in court - the first hearing had been bad enough - so we gave mediation another go.

It was a bit awkward at first, but it got better. Now Ellie and Mel are able to talk to each other about the children. It takes time. I think when you first get into this sort of situation, you want it all sorted out instantly and life doesn’t work like that.

Now, I would say we’re pretty well sorted. It’s got easier as the kids have got bigger. Ellie and I are getting married in the summer and Rose is going to be her bridesmaid and Mel’s fine about it.

April 2007