What do we need to sort out?
If you don't live together, or you are about to split up, you need to make a number of decisions about the children. They are the same decisions that all parents have to make, whether they live together or apart, but they can feel much more stressful and difficult because of your previous relationship.
The two most pressing issues are generally where the children will live, and how one, or both, of you will have contact with them. But there are also lots of other things to think about, such as schools, other family members, and how you are going to bring the children up.
You can get a ‘Parenting Plan’ to help you think through all these things. It is published by the government - see links to other websites to download it. It is also available in several other languages, including Welsh, Urdu, and Chinese. The government also publishes some helpful leaflets for your children, they are available from the same websites.
Other issues
For information about other issues to do with splitting up – things like dealing with the home, car, money, and child support - see 
We're splitting up (440 KB). This leaflet explains what you need to make decisions on, and how you can do that. We also have Breaking Up checklist (225 KB) for unmarried couples splitting up which includes all the things you need to remember, and Divorce - a survival toolkit (550 KB) for couples facing divorce or dissolution of a civil partnership.
Community Legal Advice also have one leaflet for unmarried couples ('Living together and your rights if you separate') and another for people who are divorcing ('Divorce and Separation'). See links to other websites.
How are the children feeling?
It's important to think about how the children are feeling if your family life is being upset. This might be because you are splitting up, or because you can't agree about arrangements for them. Try to put your own needs to one side and think about how they feel.
Children will often say that they would rather their family stayed together, however bad things are. It's hard to feel that as a parent you are letting your children down and destroying their hopes. You have to find a way to manage this and help them to see forward to a different future.
There are several books and websites that can help your children. See Parents Apart - useful books and helpful contacts.
It's important to tell the children's schools what is happening so that they can help if their school work suffers, or their behaviour changes.
How are you feeling?
If you are going through a divorce or separation, you are going through a very stressful time. It's hard being a parent. You may be feeling that you just can't cope or you want it all to go away. You may feel that you want to revert to being a child yourself. This makes it hard to make decisions.
There are a number of organisations who offer support and help for adults and children when they are dealing with divorce, separation or other family difficulties. (See 'Useful books and helpful contacts' in menu on the right).
All family life involves coping with change
Any parent knows that this is the case. No sooner have you got one routine established than something happens and you have to move everything round again. Divorce and separation is no exception to this, but it tends to feel worse because of all the other painful feelings that are happening at the same time.
Remember, nothing lasts forever. Visiting arrangements will change with time. Teenage children might want to live with the other parent. New partners may come on the scene. What's important is to forge a good working relationship with each other, so that, as parents, you can adapt to these changes and continue to give your children the love and care that they need.
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