When does the child get to choose?

When he or she is old enough. The Children Act checklist (see 'What the law says') says that a child's wishes have to be taken into account, bearing in mind their age and understanding. In practice, this means that once children get to their teens, or perhaps a little earlier, their wishes count for a lot. After all, it's very hard to force an older child to do anything.

This can be a problem, especially if you feel that a child's mind has been poisoned against you, or that they are being put under pressure to say something they don't really feel. Unfortunately, it's not a problem that the law is particularly useful at solving. Mediation can help, and some services specifically work with children. A trained mediator can see a child in private and feed back to parents what the child wants to say to them.See our dedicated Family mediation pages for more details about family mediation.

If this doesn't provide you with a solution it may be best to bide your time, back off from court action (which may be seen as hostile) and try to maintain a distant but loving presence which will draw the child back to you in due course.

Children are able to have close loving relationships with adults even if they don't see them very often. Letters, cards, texts, email, and phone calls all keep relationships alive.

October 2009