Where to get help
If possible, look for a way of working out any difficulties without using the courts. It's usually cheaper and it’s generally better for the whole family because it is likely to be less stressful. Going to court tends to push people into opposite positions, instead of getting you to work together.
If you have real fears about your children's safety or welfare, get some legal advice first.
Mediation
Mediation probably offers the best help if you can’t work out arrangements by yourselves. With mediation, you have a series of meetings with a mediator, who helps you to work out what issues you need to sort out, what your options are, and how you can do what is best for the children. Many mediation services also have people who are trained to work with children, and this allows them to have a voice in your discussions. Mediators generally charge by the hour, on a sliding scale according to your income. Expect to pay for each meeting as it takes place. You can get legal aid to cover it if your income is low enough.
For more information on family mediation go to our
Family Mediation pages. There you can read our guides to what mediation is and how it works, try our quizzes, and listen in on family mediation sessions with our podcasts.
If you qualify for legal aid, it will pay both for the mediation and the solicitor to advise you as the mediation takes place.
Finding a mediator
- The Family Mediation Helpline can tell you if mediation might be suitable for you, and if you might be entitled to legal aid to pay for it. It will also give you details of services in your area:* 0845 60 26 627*
The UK College of Family Mediators has a list of all the family mediators in the UK who meet its standards for training and supervision (links to other websites). Tel: 0117 904 7223 - The Community Legal Advice website will take you to local mediators and solicitors (links to other websites). Choose ‘family mediation’ as the category of advice.
- You can also phone their helpline. Tel: 0845 608 1122
- Look in Yellow Pages under ‘Mediation’
Solicitors
If you are unhappy about negotiating yourself, perhaps because you have been bullied, or because you are frightened, then it may be best to use a solicitor. That doesn't mean you will end up in court. Solicitors will negotiate on your behalf with your ex, or with his or her solicitor. They should also keep negotiating, even if a court application process is going ahead.
You need to find a solicitor who specialises in family law, and preferably someone who will be sensitive to your needs and those of the children. A good solicitor will try to get arrangements sorted out in a co-operative way. Be wary of anyone who suggests straightaway that you go to court, without exploring less confrontational options.
Finding a solicitor
- Resolution is probably the best place to start as the code of practice for its members promotes a non-confrontational approach. You can check the list of members in your area on their website (links to other websites), or they will send you a list. Tel: 01689 820272
- The Law Society is the body that regulates solicitors in England and Wales. Solicitors on the Family Panel have to pass an exam to prove that they are specialists and be vetted. You can also use the website to find solicitors local to you (links to other websites). Tel: 0870 606 6575
- The Community Legal Advice website gives you quick links to solicitors in your area listed under the sort of work they do (links to other websites). Alternatively, you can speak to them. Tel: 0845 608 1122
Relate, Parentline Plus and other counselling services
You may feel that you need some help as parents, or that your children need to have someone else to talk to. Relate and Parentline Plus offer counselling services and workshops for parents, children and young people going through a family breakup (links to other websites). You may also have other local services that you can use.
Common sense and people skills
You can learn to use some of the skills that mediators or lawyers use yourself. There are several books that explain how to use people skills and negotiation skills to help you communicate better. Saying sorry is very hard, but it’s amazing how it can help a relationship. It’s difficult when you’re hurting badly, but it’s worth a try where children are concerned.
