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Readers' questions...
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Q: Using mediation for contact arrangements

I've got a girl and a boy who've lived with their mum since we split up and for the past year or so I've been going to see them or taking them out regularly. But as soon as my girlfriend moved in with me, my ex had a complete personality change and won't let me go anywhere near them. I've been threatening to take her to court if she doesn't pack it in but my girlfriend reckoned that would take up a lot of time and money. How can I go about trying family mediation instead?

A: Val says...
You can call the national family mediation helpline on: 0845 60 26 627. They will talk to you about whether your case is suitable for family mediation and, if so, put you in touch with one of your local providers. They can also work out whether you would be eligible for public funding (legal aid).

Once you've spoken to the mediator yourself, you could explain the situation to your ex and ask her to go along to an initial meeting with the mediator, or ask the mediator to get in touch with her for you.

Mediation is a very useful way to sort out child contact arrangements because it helps to get you both talking and being reasonable with each other again. Hopefully, that'll means less awkwardness when your ex and you and your new girlfriend have to see each other to pick the kids up and drop them off after visits.

More questions on Children.
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Q: Housing

Hi, my friend has just split up from his wife, they have a 3 yr old daughter. Does his wife have the right to stay in their home and does my friend have to continue to pay her mortgage as she has no income. Thanks.

A: Val says...
Hi. Making decisions about who lives where after separation is not easy. Obviously it’s important to try to arrange something that will minimise disruption for your friend’s young daughter, but of course it has to be affordable for both parties. Your friend should get some advice on the law from a solicitor who specialises in family work. If he thinks it might be possible to sort something out with his wife, taking into account their daughter’s needs and their financial situation, then mediation might well be worth a try. He could have a look at our guide “What is mediation?” (click on the title) to find out more about how mediation works. Also, the family mediation helpline - 0845 60 26 627 - will put him in touch with a local mediator. I hope your friend and his wife manage to work something out. Val.

More questions on More on housing.
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Q: Family mediation and domestic violence

Hi, I left my husband recently and took our daughter to live back at my mum's for a bit. My mum lives quite far away so I haven't seen him since I left - we've been dealing with the divorce through solicitors. I've been told by my solicitor that we'll have to try mediation before I can get legal aid but I don't want to. My husband's been abusive towards me, which is why I left him, so I don't want to have to see him face to face. I haven't told my solicitor because I'm scared of what my husband will do to me if I get him into trouble but I need legal aid - I can't afford a solicitor without it. What can I do?

A: Val says...
The legal aid rules say that you have to have a meeting with a mediator, to work out whether mediation would be suitable for your particular case, before you can get legal aid for a solicitor to negotiate arrangements for you or represent you in court instead. But there are a few exceptions - you shouldn't have to do this if you are frightened of your partner because you have suffered domestic abuse. I would really encourage you to tell your solicitor that this is why you don't want to go to mediation. Your solicitor has a duty to make sure everything you tell them is kept confidential and they will not report your husband to any authorities unless you agree (provided that your children are not at risk and that you are not in a particularly vulnerable position). This means that your solicitor should be able to make sure that you can get legal aid without having to have a meeting with a mediator. More importantly, your solicitor will also be able to advise you about what you can do to protect yourself and your daughter.

Mediation would not usually be suitable for anyone with a violent partner but, if you did want to think about mediation, you could ask for your initial meeting with the mediator to be on your own. You and the mediator can then decide between you whether mediation would be suitable. If you did decide to go ahead, the mediator can arrange for you and your husband to arrive and leave the office at different times, make sure that you are never left alone together, and agree a signal to stop the mediation if you are getting worried or upset. They can also make sure the mediation service does not give out your current address or phone number to your husband if he doesn’t already know it.

If you want to talk to someone in confidence about the abuse you have been suffering and find some support, you can call the Refuge helpline on: 0808 2000 247 or visit their website by clicking on the link at the right of this page under the heading 'Links to other websites'. I do hope things work out for you. Please feel free to post another message if you need any more advice about family mediation.
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The questions and answers featured on the Ask Val problem page are taken from posts made on Advicenow's family mediation discussion forum, which was run between July 2006 and February 2007.

February 2007