More on children
Readers' questions...
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Q: Contact and domestic violence
In January 2006 my daughter and her partner split up before she had her second baby. The baby was born in May and they also have a 3yr old little boy.
Contact had been going well with her ex-partner picking the children up from her new partner's house but at Christmas an incident occurred at her new partner's house which resulted in the Police getting involved as her ex-partner had assaulted her. Her ex-partner has had a warning and is not to go near the house therefore my daughter suggested her ex-partner pick the children up from my house which he has done in the past and also and when he had no transport I dropped the children off at his parent's house and picked them up from there also. He has started to be difficult and has told her that he does not want to drop the children off at my house as he is not her taxi service and she should drop and collect the children from him.
I think the main reason for this is that he does not want to face me and my husband after assaulting our daughter. Can you advise me as to how we can deal with this?
A: Val says...
I'm very sorry to hear that your daughter's ex has been violent with her. Whatever disagreement has surfaced about contact arrangements, the most important thing is to make sure your daughter, the children, you and the rest of your family feel safe. Do not hesitate to call the police if anything like this happens again and make sure your daughter gets some legal advice about how the law can protect her. Your daughter should certainly get some legal advice immediately if she is at all worried that her ex could be violent with their children.
The Women's Aid website has some very useful information about how the law can protect people from domestic violence. Click on the link at the right of this page under the heading, 'Links to other websites' to have a look at their website.
I don't know the details of your daughter's situation but, as far as contact goes, unless drop off and collection arrangements are set out in a court order, your daughter's ex doesn't have any specific rights. It just depends on what they agree between them. If he and your daughter can't agree, they will have to get a court to decide for them but, usually, it's best if the children's parents make the decisions themselves. If they're having difficultly reaching an agreement, they could try going to their local family mediation service. Mediators are trained to help separated couples work out what the best option is for both of them. But, if your daughter's ex has been violent, mediation might not be safe or sensible. She might be better off getting a solicitor to handle everything for her.
If your daughter is nevertheless keen to try family mediation, she can ask to have an initial meeting with a mediator on her own to talk about how mediation works, and whether it's going to be suitable, given the circumstances. She should be sure to tell the mediator about any concerns she has. If the mediation goes ahead, the mediator can arrange for her and her ex to arrive and leave the office at different times, make sure they are never left alone together, and agree a signal to stop the mediation if she gets worried or upset. It might even be appropriate for you and your daughter's ex's parents to go along to the mediation sessions if you help out with contact arrangements. You can discuss this with the mediator if you think it could help.
There is a section on family mediation on our website. If you want to find
out more, visit our Family mediation homepage.
Finally, your daughter could think about using a Child Contact Centre. This is simply a safe, friendly and neutral place where children of separated families can spend time with one or both parents and sometimes other family members. You can find out more details about Child Contact Centres on the national website by clicking on the link at the right of this page under the heading, 'Links to other websites'.
I hope everything works out for all of you.
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Q: Contact arrangements and new partners
My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship, who live with their mother. We love having them come to us, but their mother keeps changing her mind about contact arrangements with their father. It was agreed that we'd alternate every weekend between having them from Friday to Saturday evening or from Saturday lunchtime til Sunday evening.
But their mother changes her mind weekly about what time we can pick them up and drop them off. Also if for some reason we cannot have the children to stop over, we have to make the time up the following weekend by having them 2 nights instead of 1. And if my partner is not with the children for the whole of the allocated time, she says he owes hours. Can she do this?
Can you please help? It is very confusing & upsetting for the children. And the last thing we want to do is hurt the children.
A: Val says...
Thanks for your post. This is an issue that often crops up as parents living apart try to make arrangements work.
There are not really any rights and wrongs here. What matters is that the children have a good relationship with both their parents, and with new partners and families as well. You say that ‘the last thing we want to do is hurt the children’, and of course you’re right – the most important thing is that the children can spend time with their parents without feeling that they are the focus of adult arguments.
Your partner and his ex should consider trying family mediation. The idea is that they both sit down with a mediator and talk through the arrangements, what works and what doesn’t, and how to deal with changes to the schedule. The point of mediation is not that they come up with a perfect timetable, but that they learn how to communicate with each other better, so that timings can be changed without a major row. Agreements made in mediation are informal, and they will need give and take to work.
If parents sit down together to sort out what will suit them and their children, then they are more likely to make the arrangements work in practice. But, as I said, it's just as much about learning to listen and to communicate - that's more important than sticking to the tiniest detail of a timetable.
If your partner and his ex are both prepared to try this, they might find it helpful. They can find out more about mediation by ringing the family mediation helpline on 0845 60 26 627, or having a look at the information on our Family mediation homepage.
Since you are obviously very involved with looking after your partner’s children, it might be a good idea for you to go along to a mediation session as well. I’ve known mediations where this has been very successful. Your partner and his ex should have a meeting with the mediator first, but a second meeting could include you too - and perhaps his ex has a friend or relative who could come along with her? You may all feel more comfortable about the arrangements if you could meet and talk together.
It's worth noting that, if it would help, solicitors can turn an informal mediation agreement into a court order, so long as both parents agree.
I hope you manage to sort this out - the children are lucky that all the adults in their lives care about them so much.
Val
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Q: Residence, contact arrangements and child support
Hello. My husband and I are separating, but still live in the same council house. We have a son of 16. I am applying for Income Support, and trying to get a flat and a part time job at the moment. But my husband is concerned as to what he will have to pay the CSA, and whether I will pay money towards bills etc until I move. And what if my son doesn't want to move with me? Will I have to pay the CSA?
I'm confused.
A: Val says...
Thanks for your question. Have a look at the CSA website by clicking on the link at the right of this page under the heading, 'Links to other websites' to find out about their rules. You could also talk to a local solicitor or legal adviser about how it might affect you. To find your nearest solicitor or legal adviser, contact Community Legal Advice on: 0845 608 1122, or click on the link at the right of this page.
You could also talk to your husband about whether mediation might be helpful. It sounds like you are at least still talking to each other, which is a good start. If you go to mediation together, you can both sit down with an independent mediator and discuss all the things you’ve raised in your post – where your son will live, who will pay the bills; and I’m sure there are plenty of other things you will need to talk about. One of the good things about mediation is that your son can be involved as well if he wants to – many mediators will invite children, especially teenagers, to come along and talk about their views and wishes for the future.
If you are applying for income support, you may well qualify for legal aid to pay for legal advice and for mediation – if you choose mediation, you won’t have to pay the legal aid money back.
You might like to have a look at the We're splitting up guide (click on the title) in the family mediation section of this website, for an independent overview of all the options you have.
I hope you manage to sort things out together.
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Q: Parental responsibility
- Hi. I'm confused about what my rights are. I just found out that my ex wife has had our son christened without informing me. I'm not sure where I stand. I hope you can give some guidance.
A: Val says...
Hi. Thanks for your post. You ask about your ‘rights’, but the law doesn’t really talk about parents’ 'rights', it talks about ‘Parental Responsibility’ (or PR for short). The legal definition of PR is 'all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority' that go with being a parent. It means that you have a duty to care for and protect your child and that you have a right to share in making decisions regarding that child's future. Such decisions would normally include things like where the child goes to school, or permission for serious medical treatment. It could also include religious issues like a christening. Mothers automatically have PR, and you also automatically have PR for your child if you are the dad, and you have been married to your child's mother.
There are a couple of leaflets on the Advicenow website about PR and how it works. They are aimed at unmarried parents but some of the general information in them will be of use to you. Have a look at What is 'Parental Responsibility'? and Parental Responsibility for Fathers by clicking on the titles.
Of course, having rights and responsibilities in law often seems miles away from what actually happens in the real world. It sounds like you and your ex don’t share much information about your son’s life, and have difficulty discussing things together. You could think about trying family mediation – a way of sitting down with a mediator and talking through all the issues which are important to you both as parents. It could also help you to get better at doing this kind of communicating yourselves as other big decisions come up about your son in the future. Have a look at our information on family mediation by clicking on the following link to the Family mediation homepage.
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Q: Involving children in mediation
- Hi. My husband and myself are divorcing. We have two children aged 17 and 14 who do not wish to have contact with me, which tears me apart. What can I do. Please help.
A: Val says...
I don't know whether you have considered going to mediation with your husband but this could be a way to explore the possibility of contact with your children. There are many mediators these days that are trained to get children, particularly teenagers, involved in the mediation process. If you want to find out more, take a look at our Family mediation homepage. You might also find it helpful to have a look at our divorce guide, Divorce - a survival toolkit.
I wish you all the best for the future.
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