Involving other people
Mediation is generally just for the couple who are separating or have separated. But sometimes it's helpful to let someone else take part in the discussions, such as grandparents, new partners, or even your children if they are old enough. This should be a decision you make jointly with each other, and the mediator. You could talk this through at your first session together. Don’t just turn up with the other person and expect them to be able to take part. And bear in mind that, if you want to bring someone along who your partner will see as being 'on your side' (like a member of your family or your new partner), mediation is unlikely to work well unless they also have someone there for support.
Children
It’s very hard to remember that you are parents when you're going through a break-up. But you have to try and think about what your children need, and what they want. The mediator will help you to do this. If you get stuck during a mediation session, they may suggest that you try to imagine that your children are in the room with you. What would they say? They may also encourage you to go home and talk to your children about the options you've discussed in the mediation sessions. If you can bear to be in the same room as each other outside of mediation, try to do this with your partner. Your children need to see that you both care about them, and are trying to sort things out.
Questions to ask yourself when you are thinking about the children:
- How much do they understand?
- What else should we tell them?
- How will each one react to the plans that we are discussing?
- What does each child need?
- What does each child want?
Some mediators are trained to consult with older children. They will arrange to do this if you both agree, and your children feel comfortable about it. This means that your children can see the mediator and talk to him or her about their views on the proposed arrangements. If they are old enough, you may all be able to discuss this together. Children often feel powerless, when their parents are arguing about them; talking to the mediator can help them.
For more information on making arrangements for your children, see our 'Parent's Apart' guide. You can download the guide by clicking on the following link: Parents Apart.
New partners
"Since I moved in with my partner, his kids have made life as difficult for us as possible. There are rows and sulks almost every day but I've noticed it gets worse when they get back from visiting their mum. Now they've said they want to go and live with her..."
It is sometimes helpful to involve a new partner. This could be where there are issues about the children and their relationship with all of you, or practical arrangements which will need a new partner’s co-operation to work.
Other family members
Arrangements for children often affect other people in the family. This could be because they want to have contact with the children or because they are involved in their regular care. It can be useful to ask them to take part in the mediation.
"I can't say we were surprised, or that upset, when our son and his wife split up. We never really got on with her that well. But our grandson lives with her and now we never see him. Whenever we phone up to speak to him, she says he's out or slams the phone down on us…"
Advisers
You may both benefit from having advice from an expert financial adviser. Sometimes a mediator may suggest that you have a joint meeting with someone who can tell you about mortgages or pensions so that you are both fully informed about the options open to you. And don’t forget that you should each have a solicitor to give you legal advice to make sure that what is being proposed is fair to you. With help from your mediator, you can work out when that advice is most needed. Be sure to check the agreement out with your solicitor before anything is finalised.
