Route planner
Mediation is a journey. There's a route you'll need to follow to get the most out of it and reach an agreement that will work for both of you. The mediator’s job is to steer you along that route. It doesn’t always go in a straight line; sometimes you might skip a stage, and sometimes you'll need to double back and start parts of the journey again.
This section of the guide describes the typical route, and tells you what you can do at each stage to get the most out of the journey.
Working out what your issues are
The mediator will start by finding out from each of you what you think are the important issues that need to be sorted out. To start off with, you may have very different views on this, and which issues are the most important. The mediator will help you make a list and flag what’s most important to whom. You then need to agree the order in which you deal with these issues.
Before this stage
Jot down what issues are important to you and how you want to resolve them. Don't worry at this stage about whether your wishes seem realistic.
During the meeting
The mediator will help you find a way of talking to each other without arguing. Be prepared for a bit of give and take. But don't be a martyr - if you really can't accept what your ex is saying, don't.
Going through your finances
If you are using mediation to sort out financial issues, your mediator will have given you forms to fill in and bring along to the meeting, together with documents proving what you've written. You can generally skip this stage if you are only using mediation to discuss issues about the children.
Before this stage
Fill in the forms carefully and get all the documents that you need together. It's a difficult and time-consuming task but stick at it. And be completely honest. Telling your ex about what money and property you have doesn’t mean you'll have to share it all. But if you don't have a clear picture of each other's finances, you can’t have a realistic discussion, and any agreement you reach through mediation could be overturned.
During the meeting
You should have enough time to look at your ex’s finances. If you don’t understand something, don’t be afraid to ask and keep pressing for a clear answer. If you don't believe your ex has been honest about their finances, say so. It would be a good idea to speak to your solicitor about this before the next meeting.
"Getting those forms filled out about my finances was a nightmare. When I started I didn't have a clue what I spent my wages on, or how much debt I was in, so every time I sat down to do it, I kept having to stop to look for bills and bank statements and pay slips. But I suppose it needed doing. It gave me a much better idea of what I needed to live on. So when we were discussing our options in the later sessions, I knew what was reasonable and what wouldn't work."
Exploring the issues
Now you can start to tell each other how you feel about the issues you've listed. This is important because mediation is about working out what seems like a fair result to both of you. This may be different from what a court would do.
Before this stage
Think about the list of issues and work out what your priorities are. Is there anything you aren't prepared to compromise on? Where you are prepared to compromise, are there things that you would like in return? What do you think is best for your children? And what about what they want?
If you need to, check your legal position with your solicitor so you are clear where you stand.
During the meeting
This can be a difficult stage of the process. You may have very strong feelings about some of the things that have happened between you in the past, but you can’t change them now. Try to stay calm and don’t get sidetracked from sorting things out for the future.
Working out what your options are
There is always more than one solution to a family problem. Mediation gives you the freedom to think about a wider variety of options than a court would consider. Together you and your ex can think through what each option might mean for both you, and the children. The mediator will help you to explore all the choices open to you but won't tell you what to do.
Before this stage
Think about what you want to happen in the short-term and long-term. Don't forget to think about what the children want, and what they need. Try working out where you want to be in five or ten years' time. Will the proposals allow you to do this? Don't feel limited at this stage by what you think the outcome of the mediation is likely to be; this is an opportunity to test out all the options. You never know what might happen.
During the meeting
Be open to ideas. Don't dismiss things out of hand but think them through with your ex. Aim for something where you both get a good result; your agreement is much more likely to last if you do that.
Working out an agreement
When you get to this stage you should be able to start agreeing things. The mediator will make sure that you are both clear about what you have agreed and may remind you about things you haven't yet covered. If you do reach an agreement, the mediator will put together a document for you setting it out in writing. Ask your solicitor to look at this before it is finalised. If you both agree to it, you can get your solicitors to make it legally binding. This means that you'll both be required by law to stick to your agreement.
Before this stage
Get some legal advice about the final proposals so you know where you stand. Think about the practicalities such as the dates when things need to happen.
If necessary, make sure that you get the agreement of other people to the proposals, such as mortgage companies or landlords if you're planning to transfer your tenancy or ownership of your home.
During the meeting
Don’t rush things. Make sure that anything you both agree is clear to you both. You should make sure that older children are happy with the final proposals - it could make life difficult if they're not.
