What's it like when you get there?
Mediation sessions generally last between one and two hours. You may find that you and your ex spend the whole of that time together, in the same room, along with the mediator. But some mediators will spend a few minutes talking to each of you separately at the start of the session (or even during a session if they think either or both of you need some time out).
People might have told you that going to mediation will be less stressful than taking your case to court. But this isn't necessarily true - mediation is stressful in a different way. It's far more informal than going to court, but it can be very stressful sitting down and talking face-to-face with your ex when you still have strong feelings about your break-up. If you don't feel up to talking to your ex face-to-face straight away, some mediation services can offer 'shuttle mediation’ where you and your ex sit in separate rooms and the mediator goes to and fro between you.
Confidentiality
Discussions with a mediator are confidential. The mediator can't tell anyone else about them without your permission, so you can consider all sorts of possibilities without committing yourself. But this doesn't apply to the financial information you provide. This can be used later on by solicitors in negotiations, or in court if the mediation doesn’t work out.
Despite the rules about confidentiality, the mediator may pass on information they've heard in a mediation session if they're worried that there is a risk of harm to children or adults.
Ground rules
The mediator will suggest some ground rules to help you have a sensible discussion with each other, such as:
- try not to interrupt each other, but listen to your ex's point of view - the mediator will make sure you both have a chance to speak
- it's okay to feel angry at times but don’t start shouting, swearing and insulting each other
- if you get stressed, tell the mediator and you can have some time out to calm down
Agreement to mediate
Most mediators will ask you to sign an 'agreement to mediate' before you start. A typical agreement will:
- set out some ground rules
- explain the rules about confidentiality
- ask you to promise to disclose your finances honestly
- deal with costs and legal aid.
Don't worry, the aim of the agreement is to help you both to think through what you’re doing and whether you really want to go ahead with mediation. You can still pull out if you change your mind.
