How you can sort things out
You could decide what to do about your children, home and finances between you and put the arrangements in place yourselves. It is even possible to do your own divorce/dissolution, although it's a good idea to have some legal advice first (and we certainly wouldn't recommend this if you have children and/or complicated finances!).
But sitting down and discussing things with your partner at such a stressful time is easier said than done. If you're too angry or upset to face your partner, particularly over issues on which you might not see eye to eye, you'll probably need a helping hand.
Some couples find they're able to talk to each other about practical arrangements with the help of a mediator. Some will not want to face each other like this and will get solicitors to negotiate the arrangements for them. Others will never manage to reach an agreement and will have to let the courts decide for them. This next sections of the guide explain the role of mediators, solicitors and the courts in the separation process.
Mix and match
Top tips!
If you are on legal aid, it is definitely cheaper to use mediation than to get a solicitor to negotiate for you. Legal aid for mediation (and the legal advice you get alongside it) does not need to be paid back. But legal aid to pay for a solicitor to negotiate for you or take the matter to court may have to be.
Mediation can be particularly useful if you have children because it helps you to start talking to each other again. And the more comfortable your relationship is with your ex, the easier the separation will be on your children.
There are many different routes to working out the way forward after a separation. Different couples will sort things out in different ways - whether they go to mediation to help them agree on arrangements themselves, get solicitors to negotiate an agreement for them or never manage to reach an agreement and have to get the court to make the decisions. But mediation, solicitors and the courts are not necessarily alternatives - many people will use some or all of these at different times for different purposes.
Tracey and Jon (see We're splitting up - Tracey's story) went straight to mediation to help them agree on Jon's contact with Amber and to sort out their financial arrangements. But they also each went to see a solicitor for some legal advice.
Calvin and Tani (see Solicitors - Calvin's story) wanted a solicitor to turn the agreement they had reached in mediation into a court order.
Other couples start off by going to see a solicitor. Sahla and Rabi (see Court - Sahla's story) wanted solicitors to negotiate everything for them but, as their solicitors explained, you have to consider trying mediation before you are able to get legal aid for this.
Sahla and Rabi weren't able to reach an agreement at all and ended up in court. The judge made a court order but suggested they have another mediation session to sort out the detail of how they would put the court order into practice.
If your ex has been violent to you or your children in the past, mediation may not be safe or sensible. Get legal advice about how best to protect you and your children. If you still want to think about mediation, you can ask to have an initial meeting with a mediator on your own to talk about how mediation works, and whether it is suitable in your situation.
