What is mediation?
Sue's Story
"I'd been with my partner Dave for nearly fifteen years and we had three kids together when we separated. I'd suspected for ages he was having an affair. Then, one night, he finally admitted it. There was a huge scene and Dave walked out.
Over the next few weeks there were loads of arguments, usually over the kids. I was terrified of losing them, so I went to see a solicitor. While I was waiting, I saw a leaflet about "Mediation". I'd never heard of it before but the solicitor said it was a way for couples who were separating to meet with someone who'd been trained to help, and try and sort out the future between them. I was really doubtful about it. I thought we'd got well beyond the stage of being able to talk. I was also pretty stressed at the thought of having to be in the same room as him. I wasn't sure I was ready to face him yet - I still felt so hurt. But the solicitor said I could meet the mediator on my own first to find out more, so I decided to give it a go. I was really surprised when Dave agreed too.
The meetings were hard at first. Every time one of us said something, the other just jumped on their back about it but the mediator kept reminding us we were doing this for the kids' sake. That really helped. Even though I was angry and upset with Dave for what he'd done to me, deep down I knew he was still a good dad.
It took us six meetings but we got it sorted in the end. The kids live with me and Dave gets to see them two nights a week and every other weekend. We sorted out how to share the rent too, and his regular payments for the kids. It's not always easy but it worked out much better than I ever thought it would."
Introduction
Splitting up with your partner is a very stressful time. Not only do you have to cope with the pain and upset of separating but, suddenly, you are faced with lots of uncertainty about the future: Who will look after the children? When will I get to see them? What will happen to the family home? What will I live on?
Even after all these things are worked out, changes in your life later on may mean that you need to think about them all over again - as the children get older, perhaps, or if you meet someone new.
And it isn't just you and your ex who are affected by a separation; it can cause problems for other family members too, particularly the kids. But don't forget grandparents, new partners and their families.
No matter what stage of separation you are at, or what the issues are, it's worth thinking about whether mediation might be able to help you and other family members to come to an agreement about how you will deal with life from now on. Our guide explains what family mediation involves, when it might be useful and how you can find out about local providers.
