Your questions answered: Ask Val...

I can't get over losing him…

Q: I split up with my partner nearly 6 months ago and I've barely had any contact with him since. He's staying at his mate's flat but every time I try calling, his mate says he's not there. I still love him and I know that if we had time to talk, we could sort things out. A friend of mine suggested we try "mediation". Would this work?
Rupa, Harrow

A: It doesn't sound like mediation is the answer at the moment. Mediation is a way of getting you both to talk about what's going to happen once you've made a decision to separate. If you're still hoping to rescue your relationship, you might be better off talking to a counsellor or therapist, either separately or together, to work through your problems.

I'm terrified of him…

Q: I lived with my husband for seven years. There were quite a few times when he hit me, but I left when he started on one of the kids. Now I have nothing and the kids are too young for me to go out to work. I want a divorce but I've read that, if I want legal aid, I have to go to mediation. I'm too scared to face him like that. What can I do?
Jules, Bristol

A: If your husband has been violent or bullied you, get legal advice about how best to protect you and your children. Mediation may not be safe or sensible: you might be better off going to court. But if you do want to think about mediation, you can have a meeting with a mediator on your own to talk about your concerns. Remember, no-one can make you go to mediation if you don't want to.

I can't face him in an argument…

Q: I split up with my ex because he was really pushy unless I let him have his own way. We rent a flat and bought lots of stuff together but every time we try to talk about what to do with it, we just end up shouting. Last week, I had a call from a mediator, who said my ex had been in touch and wanted me to go along to mediation to work it out, but I'm not keen. I don't think I could hold my own in an argument with him. What should I do?
Mike, Earl's Court

A: You don't have to go along if you don't want to. But mediators are trained to make sure that everyone keeps as calm as possible during the sessions and that both of you get a chance to air your views. Even so, if you think you'll end up backing down and agreeing to something you don't want to or you'll both just end up shouting at each other, then you might feel happier if your solicitor negotiated arrangements for you instead.

I don't know if I can trust her…

Q: I'm going through mediation with my ex to sort out when I can see my son but I don't trust her to stick to any agreement we make. Is it worth it?
Huw, Aberystwyth

A: The bottom line is: you can't make anyone do anything. If you manage to reach an agreement, the chances are you'll both stick to it because both of you have had a say in the arrangements. If she doesn't stand by it, you could go to court, but bear in mind that it can be hard to enforce family arrangements in court anyway.