Readers' Questions - Same sex couples
Here we've collected together some of the questions we've recieved from same sex couples about their rights. Remember though, the law is now the same for all cohabiting couples so the readers' questions in each section apply to same-sex couples too.
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Dear Mary,
I am a gay 48 year old woman who has met a 40 year old gay woman and we are planning on making a future together as we are very much in love. We both own our own homes, she with a friend and I live with my two teenage children - their father died two years ago. I have a 22k mortgage and her house is a housing association scheme which I do not fully understand, but I think she will not end up with very much from the sale. We are thinking of her buying into my house and her living here with me and the kids - but I am not sure if buying into my house is a wise move. I do not want her to feel she has nowhere to go should we split up, but equally I do not want to be responsible for her buying a share of the house if we split up and she moves on - although I feel this unlikely. Also I don’t want my kids to lose out if we do split up. We would eventually like to have a civil partnership, so surely she would be part house owner then anyway? Should we make a will, a written agreement or what?
It’s hard to say what you should do, as that depends on what you each want, and what level of commitment you want to make right now. You need to discuss all the issues with your partner, and between you work out a solution you are both happy with. It is really good that you’re thinking about these things now, and it may help things go smoothly, whatever you decide.
One option to consider could be her buying a percentage of your home and you owning it jointly as “Tenants in Common”. This would mean that your shares remained separate and, if anything happened to you, your children could still inherit your share. But you should consider that if she bought a share in your home and you split up, there is nothing legally to say it would have to be her that left. See our 
Housing & LivingTogether (257 KB) leaflet for more information. But you could agree, in a Living Together Agreement, that if you split up you would buy her out at the market value (or whatever arrangement seems fair).
Another possibility might be that she could, for now, keep her share in her current house, and rent it out (if that was possible under the Housing Association scheme). And you could revisit the situation a little further down the line.
Whatever you decide to do about the house, when your partner moves in, you should make a living together agreement. It only takes a few hours and does help you think about how you will pay the bills and buy things; what you will each contribute; how those contributions will be treated; and whether they will entitle you to anything should your relationship end. If anything changes later, for example if your partner buys a share of the home or you buy a new home together, you can simply change the agreement. Our Living Together Agreements (292 KB) leaflet will show you how to do it - step by step.
You should also each make a will. It is the only way you can ensure that your partner would inherit something if you died. A will would also enable you to leave property or money in trust for your kids and appoint trustees to look after it, appoint a guardian incase anything happens to you before the youngest is 18, and set out what financial help should be given to the guardian. Given that you have both your partner and your children to think of it could be a little complicated so I suggest you see a solicitor to help you. See our Wills & LivingTogether (534 KB) leaflet for more information, and a list of everything you need to have or have decided before you see a solicitor, to minimise the cost.
You are right that if you were to register a civil partnership a little further down the line everything would change anyway. You would essentially own everything jointly and, if you were to split up, who would get what would be dealt with as part of the dissolution process (divorce, by any other name). If you do register your partnership you should update your will and look again at any other agreements you have.
Good luck. I hope everything goes brilliantly.
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Dear Mary,
My lesbian ex-partner and I had a commitment ceremony in front of our families and friends in 1995, and intended from the outset to have children. I conceived our child via donor insemination in 1999 and he was born in February 2000. My partner was present at the scan, the pre-natal lessons and the birth, was given maternity support by her employer, and was in every sense except the biological and legal, his parent. Her parents are his grandparents; her siblings are his uncles and aunts; their children, his cousins. We shared all the expenses of parenting and general daily living, including jointly owning a home. We intended to have a second child, using the same donor, but this time with her as the biological mother.
Then, after a period of relationship difficulty, we separated in November 2002. For months, I asked her for contributions to his expenses, in particular for his nursery fees. She vacillated for an extended period, and eventually paid me £100 in cash towards nursery fees sometime in the spring of 2003.This is the last child support she ever paid me. She told me the next time I asked her that, on reflection, she didn't feel she owed me anything (although I wasn't asking her for maintenance for myself, only for our child). She added that the CSA couldn't get her.
Had we stayed together for the then requisite three years, we had intended to obtain a joint residence order, so that she would have a measure of parental responsibility. Had civil partnership been an option we may well dome that, but it wasn't.
I feel that I should be able to claim support from my ex-partner for our son, now that the principle of equal treatment for same-sex couples is established. If I approach the CSA, what will they say? Will they focus on the biological father, instead of the person who not only was, but is, his other parent, including having him stay with her several nights a week, every week? I doubt that, if pushed, my ex-partner would feel able to deny that she is the parent of our son - will the CSA take these facts into account?
Unfortunately, your ex is correct - she cannot be forced to pay child support as the law does not recognise her as your son's other parent. If you had formed a civil partnership (if that had been possible at the time), the situation would be very different, but unfortunately that doesn't help you now.
The Child Support Agency will not pursue your ex partner. And to make matters worse, if you are on benefits they do have the power to pursue the child's biological father. If you do not co-operate with this, they can punish you by cutting your benefit for up to three years.
I'm sorry that I cannot give you better news. It's a very tough situation and it's hard to see what you are supposed to do. I think your only option is to try again to persuade her. Family mediation might help, if you can get her to go. You could use it to deal with all aspects of arrangements to do with your son. For more information on family mediation, and to listen in on a session with our podcasts, go to our dedicated Family Mediation pages.
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Dear Mary,
My second cousin and I were involved in a same sex relationship together which, unfortunately, only lasted for four years. After she moved out, we both realised how much we missed each other and started living together again but as cousins instead of life partners. Now I am applying for Benefits and the Benefits Agency want to come to our home to see if we are in a civil partnership or not. Space is limited in our home so we do share a bed but there isn’t anything "intimate" going on. It doesn’t seem fair that she should be expected to look after my daughter and I financially, but we both feel the Benefits Agency is going to stick us with an inappropriate title for our relationship. Please help!
You will have to prove you are not a couple, not just that you haven't formed a civil partnership. I wish I could say something more helpful, but proving you’re not living as a couple is likely to be a bit tricky because you share a bed. It's likely that you'll have to jump through some hoops before they process your claim. Get yourself an appointment at your local advice centre as quickly as possible. They’ll be able to help you make a case. You can find your local advice service using our search box at the top of this page or use your yellow pages.
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Dear Mary,
I live in a rented house with my girlfriend of 7 years. The house is in her name but I have paid the rent for 7 years, now she wants me to leave. Do I have to go or can I stay?
Sorry to say this, but it doesn't matter who has been paying the rent. If the tenancy is in her name she has the right to stay and you must go if she asks you to leave. She should give you "reasonable notice" (if you pay your rent once a month, then a month would be reasonable) but you have no right to stay. See our Housing & LivingTogether (257 KB) for more information.
