If you are thinking about applying for a child arrangements order without a lawyer there are things you need to do first. Our guide explains what you need to do, how to reach an agreement, how to avoid delays and avoid the risk of court orders being made against you.
This guide is for England and Wales only.
Last updated: October 2025
If it is safe, your first step is to try and reach an agreement with your ex on arrangements for your children. This is because usually it:
You need follow the process if you decide to apply to court for an order about your children after you separate or get divorced from their other parent. It applies to everyone – whether you have a lawyer or not.
You will need to explain to the court what efforts you have made to agree things with your ex out of court before the court will look at your case in any detail.
There are just a few situations when process does not have to be followed. If you are raising serious concerns about domestic abuse or harm to you or your children, you can explain this to the court and a judge will decide if you can be exempt from following the process. This means the court would agree to you not following them because of the particular risks in your case.
If your situation means you need to follow the process, but you don’t, the court has powers it can use that will impact on your case. The main one is that the judge can pause your application until they are sure you have tried other options to sort out your dispute. For more on what the court can do, go to What happens if you do not follow the process?
As long as it is safe to do so, the court expects you to:
If all this sounds really challenging, try not to worry. For help on how to manage your own feelings about all this change and for advice on how to put your children first go to Supporting your children through divorce and separation.
We explain more about all these things listed above, next. If you want to read the details yourself, you can find the formal document at Pre-application protocol for private law proceedings relating to children.
You must attend a mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) before you can apply to the court – unless you fall into the limited circumstances that mean you don’t have to do this. Your ex should go to a MIAM too.
A MIAM is not mediation. It is a meeting to help you understand more about mediation and the other options available to you to reach an agreement out of court. Mediation can help but there are other options to think about too.
The purpose of this meeting is to:
The meeting gives you all the information you need to decide if mediation or another type of dispute resolution could help you and your ex avoid court.
If you are worried about your ex’s past or current behaviour towards you or your children, start by going to If your partner or ex is being abusive or controlling.
Next, we explain the different types of dispute resolution recognised by the court. If you apply to court, the court expects you to have considered them all, so you need to understand more about them.
Court should usually be the last resort for your family unless there are serious safety concerns. Instead, you are expected to try other methods of sorting out your dispute. Lawyers often call this ‘non-court dispute resolution’.
The methods of non-court dispute resolution that the court recognises are:
The cheapest of these options is likely to be mediation, especially if you can get legal aid to mediate or access a mediation voucher worth £500.
Mediation aims to help you communicate with one another now and in the future and to reduce any conflict between you. Trained mediators can help you talk to each other and find solutions, even when it is hard. They are there to help you both and can provide you with a safe and supportive environment where you can work out solutions together.
A professional mediator helps you to work out what you both want for your children in terms of how you will care for them - where they will live and what time they will spend with each of you. Mediation can be flexible – you can be together in the same room, or it can take place online. If you feel safer, it can take place with you in different spaces where the mediator goes between you both. If you can afford it, it is also possible to have a solicitor there to advise you on your decisions. Some mediators will also involve your children, if everyone agrees this is a good idea.
This is where both you and your ex instruct solicitors who are trained to work in a collaborative way. The idea is that both parents and solicitors agree to work together to come up with an agreement that works for you and your children, so you can all avoid the stress of court proceedings. The solicitors agree that if the process breaks down and you end up going to court, they will not be able to represent you. This means that they are really committed to supporting you both to reach an agreement.
This is when an independent professional, who is an expert in the legal issues in your case, gives you both their professional view on what a judge in the family court is likely to order. This person is usually an experienced family law solicitor or barrister. You can then use their assessment or ‘evaluation’ of your case to make an agreement or negotiate further with your ex.
This is like having a judge but outside the court system. An arbitrator is a qualified, independent professional. Before the process starts you have to both agree to be bound to the decision the arbitrator makes at the end. You both tell the arbitrator about how you view the problem and what you would like for the future arrangements for your children. The arbitrator makes a decision and you both have to follow it.
Next is a table that gives you key information on costs, timings and how to find someone that offers these services. If you are using a smart phone to read this guide, and can't see all of the table, turn your phone sideways.
| Method of non – court dispute resolution | How much does it cost? | How long does it take? | How do you find a professional that offers this service? |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mediation | Mediation is free if you can get legal aid or a mediation voucher. If not, mediators usually charge an hourly rate. Rates vary depending on experience of mediator, if they are also a trained solicitor and location. Between £100 - 300 per person per session. | It depends how complicated your situation is but usually two to four sessions with the mediator will help you reach an agreement. | A good place to start is the Family Mediation Council website where you can search by postcode. |
| Collaborative approach | You need to pay for your solicitor and your ex needs to pay for theirs. Solicitors tend to charge by the hour for this type of work. Hourly rates vary a lot depending on experience, location and type firm. You can expect hourly rates to start around £300 plus VAT at 20%.
| It depends how complicated your situation is but usually three to four joint meetings can get you to an agreement. | To find a good family law solicitor who is trained in this approach go to the Resolution website. Put in your postcode and then in the box called ‘Service offering’ you need to choose ‘Collaborative practitioner’. |
| Neutral evaluation | Costs vary depending on:
The evaluator’s fee may be between £1,000 - £5,000. If you have a solicitor or a barrister to advise and represent you as well, you will need to add their fees on too. | It takes some time to organise the neutral evaluation but once it is all set up you can potentially deal with your dispute in one day and have a decision then or shortly after. | Unfortunately, there is no directory of these professionals at the moment. The best option is to search online for 'family law neutral evaluator' and family barristers’ chambers will come up. You can then call round and explain your situation to the barrister’s assistants – these people are called ‘clerks’. The clerks will give you information on whether their chambers can offer this service without solicitors being involved. They will explain the fees and timescales. |
| Arbitration | Costs vary depending on:
The arbitrator’s fee may be between £2,000 - £5,000. If you have a solicitor or a barrister to advise and represent you as well, you will need to add their fees on too. | It takes some time to organise the arbitration but once it is all set up you can potentially deal with your dispute on one day and have a decision then or shortly after. | A good place to start is the Institute for Family Law Arbitrators ‘Find a family arbitrator’ search option. You need to tick the box on the left-hand side to find arbitrators who deal with children matters and then choose your region. |
If you apply to court, you need to tell the court what efforts you have made to try and agree things with your ex and how. You do this by using Form FM5. If you do not think it is safe or appropriate to try non-court methods, you can explain this to the judge.
Usually, you will need to fill in this form and send it to the court and your ex before each court hearing.
Be sure to look at our guide How to apply for a child arrangements order, whether it is you or your ex who ends up applying to court. This guide takes you through the whole process step by step.
A parenting plan is a written document that describes how you and your ex agree to parent your children as and after you separate. It can be very helpful to think about what you need to agree and then record it somewhere. If you are able to discuss the arrangements with your ex safely, you can do this by email or in person. Cafcass have a useful template that is free to use.
If you are struggling to communicate with your ex, a parenting plan is something that a mediator can help with.
If you apply to court, the court will want to see any parenting plan you have made or will encourage you both to try and make one.
Various organisations run separated parenting courses. Depending on where you live you may be able to find one near you. Search online for ‘separated parenting courses’ with your town, city or postcode to find out what’s available. Your GP, health visitor, library or child’s school, or your local council office or website may well have useful information about local parenting courses.
There are lots of apps now to help separated parents and some are free. They can help you communicate with your ex safely, in one place, so that everything is recorded and easy to review. You can find them by searching for ‘co-parenting apps’.
Relate have lots of information on their website about a range of problems that can arise in relationships and families.
Anyone can call themselves a family mediator, so it is important to choose someone you can be sure is well trained and experienced.
A good way to find a registered mediator is to use the search tool provided by the Family Mediation Council to find one near you. Only mediators on their list are able to carry out mediation, information and assessment meetings (often called MIAMs). All Family Mediation Council registered mediators must follow a code of practice to maintain good standards in their work.
If you follow up on a recommendation from family or friends, be sure to just check the name on the Family Mediation Council website so you know that the person is registered and either working towards being an accredited mediator or is accredited. This will give you reassurance that the mediator you choose is trained and experienced.
All the mediators included on the Family Medication Council website have been trained by providers approved by the Family Mediation Council and most are also accredited, which means that they are experienced mediators. Not all mediators do Legal Aid funded mediation, but those who do must be accredited – you can search for them by ticking the middle box on the search tool. Only mediators included on this register can provide mediation via the mediation voucher scheme. For more help, take a look at Family mediation.
Use our Affordable Advice service to discuss the most important bits of your case.
For help finding a family lawyer a good place to start is Resolution where you can find lawyers by searching using your postcode. Resolution members must commit to helping you work out your legal problem in a non-confrontational way. A green tick next to the lawyer’s name tells you that they offer legal aid.
Some family law specialists do extra training in an approach to solving legal problems called collaborative practice. If you use this approach, each of you agree to use a collaboratively trained lawyer and have meetings together to try and solve the issues without going to court. You can search for a collaboratively trained lawyer on the Resolution website by choosing ‘Collaborative practitioner’ in the Service offering box.
You can also search for a specialist lawyer near you who has been accredited by the Law Society. This means they have a significant amount of experience and expertise and have passed a Law Society assessment - go to Law Society Find a solicitor page.
You can also find a family legal aid lawyer via the GOV.UK website.
The Child Law Advice service provides free advice on all areas of English child and family law from the Child Law Advice Line on 0300 330 5480 Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm.
Rights of Women offers free, confidential legal advice for women in England and Wales on family law matters (for example, about domestic violence and abuse, divorce, cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown, parental responsibility and arrangements for children and lesbian parenting).
For women in England and Wales, call: 020 7251 6577. Line open Tuesday to Thursday, 7pm to 9pm, Fridays 12pm to 2pm (closed on public holidays).
For women in London, call: 020 7608 1137. Line open: Mondays 10am - 12pm and 2pm to 4pm, Tuesdays 2pm - 4pm, Wednesdays 2pm - 4pm, Thursdays 10am - 12pm and 2pm to 4pm (closed on public holidays).
RCJ Advice family services include free legal advice delivered daily through legal appointments and FLOWS, a national domestic abuse legal service linking women to legal aid for family law.
They may be able to help you if you:
• live in England or Wales,
• have a case in the Family Court, and
• are not already represented by a solicitor or barrister.
To book an appointment please complete the Assessment Form on their website.
Direct access barristers - another way to get legal advice is to speak to a barrister who is qualified to represent members of the public directly (without a solicitor being involved). There are limits on what a barrister can do outside of representation at court, but it is often a cheaper option if you just want to get some advice rather than have a solicitor to negotiate on your behalf. The details of appropriately qualified barristers and an explanation of the way the system works can be found at Direct Access Portal.
Don’t be afraid to phone around to compare prices or see if you can find someone who will give you the first appointment for free. Try and get organised before you make any calls, so that you can answer questions about your case clearly.
Always dial 999 in an emergency. If you cannot speak when you call you may be asked to cough or tap on the phone or enter the numbers 55. The operator will then know you are there and in danger and transfer you to the police.
For support or to discuss your options you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or in Wales, Live Fear Free on 0808 80 10 800. Both helplines are open 24 hours a day. Both help lines are for anyone who is experiencing, or has experienced domestic abuse, or for anyone who is worried about domestic abuse happening to a friend, family member or colleague. It is free, confidential and the number will not show up on a BT telephone bill.
If you are a man and you or your children are affected by domestic violence or abuse, you can contact the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 Monday – Friday 10am- 5pm.
The National Centre for Domestic Violence provides a free, emergency injunction service to survivors of domestic violence regardless of their financial circumstances, race, gender or sexual orientation. You can contact them on 0800 970 2070. Alternatively, you can text: NCDV to 60777 and they will call you back.
Galop runs a national helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people experiencing domestic abuse. You can contact them on 0800 999 5428.
You can find more information and support from:
• Refuge
• Women’s Aid
• Welsh Women’s Aid
• Surviving Economic Abuse
If you are worried about your own behaviour towards your current or ex-partner, or are you concerned for someone you know who is being abusive, help is available to stop this at Respect Phoneline, with non-judgmental advice and access to behaviour change programmes. Call 0808 8024040, Monday–Friday 10am-5pm.
Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service), and Cafcass Cymru in Wales, work with children and their families, and then advise the courts on what they consider to be in the best interests of individual children. They have lots free and useful information on their website for parents and children, including free parenting plans.
Gingerbread provides practical support and other help for single parents on their website.
Family Lives is a national charity providing help and support in all aspects of family life. Their helpline can give information, advice, guidance and support on any aspect of parenting and family life. Family Lives Helpline: 0808 800 2222 Monday to Friday 9am-9pm, Saturday and Sunday 10am - 3pm.
MATCH mothers is a charity that offers non-judgmental support and information to mothers apart from their children in a wide variety of circumstances - [email protected].
Helpline: 0800 689 4104 9am- 1pm and 7pm-9.30pm, Monday - Friday.
OnlyMums & Dads run a Family Separation Support Hub with information, articles, details of parenting courses and access to a directory of a range of professionals who can help with separation issues.
The name given to the person who applies to court for an order.
The form that you use to ask the court to do something.
This is like having a judge but outside the court system. An arbitrator is a qualified, independent professional. Before the process starts you have to both agree to be bound to the decision the arbitrator makes at the end.
Cafcass stands for Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. Cafcass operates in England.
CAFCASS stands for Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. CAFCASS Cymru operates in Wales.
Another word for disagreement.
This is where both you and your ex instruct solicitors who are trained to work in a collaborative way. The idea is that both parents and solicitors agree to work together to come up with an agreement that works for you and your children, so you can all avoid the stress of court proceedings.
This is a process where trained mediators help you talk to each other and find solutions, even when it is hard. They are there to help you both and can provide you with a safe and supportive environment where you can work out solutions together, even if you are not in the same room or online space.
This is when an independent professional, who is an expert in the legal issues in your case, gives you both their professional view on what a judge in the family court is likely to order.
The name given to different ways of sorting out your dispute outside the court process. There are various different methods including mediation and arbitration.
‘Pre-application’ means the period of time before one of you applies to court. It is a window of time to try and compromise to avoid a lot more conflict for you and your family. A ‘protocol’ is a formal process or procedure that you need to follow.
This is the formal name given to a court case – when you ask the court to do something you start court proceedings.
This is the name given to the person or people you have to give a copy of your application for a court order to. A respondent can then reply (respond) to your application.
The information in this guide applies to England and Wales only. The law is different if you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland.
The law is complicated. We have simplified things in this guide. Please don’t rely on this guide as a complete statement of the law. We recommend you try and get advice from the sources we have suggested.
The cases we refer to are not always real but show a typical situation. We have included them to help you think about how to deal with your own situation.
This guide was written and produced by Advicenow and funded thanks to the Ministry of Justice via the Online Support and Advice Grant.
Advicenow would like to thank all those who provided feedback and advice on this guide and took part in the pilot.
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