Important things to understand from the start

Coverage of celebrity divorces often gives a false picture of the way that divorce works. Many people assume that the law will do some things that it can't or doesn't. Here are some points to remember.

• It takes ages. It’s best to accept that you will have quite a few months of not really knowing what the future will look like. This is very stressful, particularly if you have kids. But there’s often no alternative, and banging your head against a brick wall increases the stress, rather reduces it.
• Chances are it will take two or three stages - agreeing to separate, moving out and coming up with a temporary plan, and then divorce. And you probably won't both be at the same stage emotionally. It will take time for each of you to be ready for the next stage before it can happen.
• It’s not one process, but three. People think of divorce as ending the marriage, dealing with issues like how to divide the home and money or property, and sorting arrangements for the children (sometimes people call this custody, contact and residence but these are the old names) all in one go. But these are really three different processes, dealt with separately, but often going on at the same time. This can feel overwhelming at times. Be sure to look at our other supportive information that break down these processes, step-by-step.
• If you have children, the first thing you will want to get clear in your head is how you will arrange things for them, in the short and the long-term. We have another guide that shows you how to agree where your children will live and when they will see their other parent to help guide you through.
• Life is not like American TV. Few people can afford, financially or emotionally, to fight a long legal battle. Some people think they need to get solicitors involved right away or go to court in order to ‘protect themselves’ and ‘get what they are entitled to’, but this is a costly and stressful misunderstanding of the system. It’s best to agree as much as you can, either on your own, using family mediation, or (if you can afford them) having solicitors negotiate for you. Going to court is very much a last resort. In fact, most people can’t go to court about a family matter without showing that they have explored family mediation or other ways of sorting out their problem out of court first.
• Family mediation aims to help you agree how you will live and parent apart. You can use it to help you agree how you will divorce, divide money or property, and/or how you will both continue to care for your children. Another reason to try to come to informed agreements rather than go to court is the time it takes to get a case through the system - there is a huge backlog of cases so going to court will likely take longer than ever before. We have another guide to help you understand what family mediation involves.
• It's unlikely you will have to go to a court hearing. If you can come to agreements about children, money and property, it can all happen on paper (or online), which is good because going to an actual court hearing can be a lot more expensive and not a fun day out.
• 'No fault’ divorce became law in 2022. You no longer need to find a reason to blame each other to get divorced. You can apply online or use a paper application form. If you and your ex want to, the law now lets you apply together for a divorce which can help reduce any sense of blame or guilt. Whether you apply together or if one of you decides to apply alone, it makes no difference to how you divide your home, your stuff or what arrangements you make for any children.
• There are no rewards for good behaviour or punishments for bad. What happens to the money isn’t affected by who had an affair, or who did what hurtful thing. Behaviour is listed as one of the factors for deciding how money is divided, but generally speaking, it doesn't work like that. It is very rare for the court to take behaviour into account and the behaviour must have had a significant impact on your financial situation to be taken into account.  
• The law isn’t biased. It doesn’t favour women over men or the other way round. For example, either person in a couple can be ordered to pay maintenance to their ex-partner if their ex-partner has been dependent on them for money. In practice, more men are likely to pay maintenance than women, but this is because men typically earn more than women.
• There are no set formulas for working out who gets what. You need to try and agree what happens with your finances after the divorce, for example the family home and any savings (on your own or with the help of a mediator or solicitor). But generally speaking, it's not about who put what in, and when, but about what any children and you both need for the future. If you do take it to a court hearing, the court focuses on what you both need for the future, and pays less attention to who put what in, in the past.
• You can only divide what you have – so most people find they have to get used to having less money.